Word Crimes

[Intro] Everybody shut up! (Woo!) Everyone listen up! Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey (Uh, woo!) Hey, hey, hey (Woo!) [Verse 1] If you can't write in the proper way (Woo!) If you don't know how to conjugate (Woo!) Hey, maybe you flunked that class (Hey, hey, hey) And maybe now you find (Hey, hey, hey) That people mock you online (Hey, hey, hey) (Everybody wise up!) [Verse 2] Okay, now here's the deal I'll try to educate ya (Woo!) (Ow!) Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature (Woo!) (Meow!) You'll learn the definitions (Hey, hey, hey) Of nouns and prepositions (Hey, hey, hey) Literacy's your mission (Hey, hey, hey) [Pre-Chorus] And that's why I think it's a good time (Woo!) To learn some grammar (What) Now, did I stammer? Work on that grammar (Woo!) You should know when It's "less" or it's "fewer" (Woo!) (Oh, yeah) Like people who were (All right) Never raised in a sewer [Chorus 1] I hate these word crimes Like "I could care less" (Hey, hey, hey) That means you do care (Whoa) At least a little Don't be a moron (Hey, hey) You'd better slow down And use the right pronoun (Hey, hey) Show the world you're no clown (Everybody wise up!) [Verse 2] Say you've got an "i-t" Followed by apostrophe "s" (Woo!) Now, what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case (Woo!) As a possessive (No, no, no!) It's a contraction (Yeah, yeah, yeah!) What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word or a group of words By omission of a sound or letter (Woo!) [Pre-Chorus 2] Okay, now here are some notes Syntax you're always mangling (Woo!) No X in "espresso" Your participle's danglin' (Uh-huh) But I don't want your drama (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh) If you really wanna (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh) Leave out that Oxford comma (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh) [Chorus 2] Just keep in mind that "Be", "see", "are", "you" Are words, not letters (Woo!) Get it together (Hey, hey) Use your spell checker You should never Write words using numbers (Woo!) (Hey, hey) Unless you're seven (Yeah-ay) Or your name is Prince (Everybody wise up!) [Chorus 1] I hate these word crimes (I hate them crimes) You really need a (Woo!) (I hate them crimes) Full-time proofreader (I mean those crimes) You dumb mouth-breather (Woo!) Well, you should hire (I'll hire) Some cunning linguist (Woo!) To help you distinguish What is proper English (Everybody wise up!) [Bridge] One thing I ask of you (Okay) Time to learn your homophones is past due (Woo!) Learn to diagram a sentence, too Always say "to whom", don't ever say "to who" (Woo!) And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis (Woo!) You finished second grade, I hope you can tell If you're doing good or doing well (Woo!) You better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence (Woo!) And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull About what's figurative and what's literal (Woo!) Oh, but just now (Just now), you said (You said) You "literally" couldn't get out of bed (Woo!) (What?) That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head [Pre-Chorus] I read your e-mail (Yeah, yeah) It's quite apparent (Woo!) Your grammar's errant You're incoherent (Woo!) Saw your blog post (Hey, hey) It's really fantastic (Oh, woah) That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) 'Cause you write like a spastic (Woo!) [Chorus 1] I hate these word crimes (Everybody wise up) Your prose is dopey (Woo!) (Hey) Think you should only (Woah, woah) Write in emoji (Woo!) Oh, you're a lost cause (Hey, hey, hey) Go back to preschool (Woo!) Get out of the gene pool (Hey, hey, hey) Try your best to not drool (Woo!) [Outro] Never mind, I give up (Woo!) Really now, I give up (Woo!) Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!